Closer to Christ

 

Is it just me or has 2020 been crazy? Let's be honest, we are all waiting for the new year with the hopes it will be better than this one. I don't want to say it, but can it really get any worse? 

With all chaos that has been going on, I feel that the only thing that has kept me afloat this year has been my relationship with my Savior. I'm not perfect and fake that I am, but I do love Jesus. He is the foundation of my life and the only thing that keeps me going some days. 

At the start of this year my soul felt weary. Not just tired, but seriously weary. I thought I was crazy or something. How can a persons immortal soul be weary? But there is no other way to describe it. As I fought to get my physical body rejuvenated after PPD, anxiety, seasonal depression, and type 2 diabetes, my soul lagged behind. Then the chaos that we call the pandemic started. 

I didn't know what to do or where to turn. My kids were nervous with all the changes happening and needed comfort. I needed comfort. So I turned to the only giver of peace. 

As I worked to build a stronger relationship with Jesus Christ, the peace that had been missing returned. And my soul began to revive. Now, amid the political unrest and sickness that prevails, I feel better than I have in the past three years. 

How did I do it? I am so glad you asked. There were many things, but this first one was key. 

Prayer 

Yep, that was it. Prayer. Instead of having simple and quick prayers, I really began to speak to the Lord. It's the first thing I do every morning. The alarm goes off and I roll out of bed and onto my knees. 

I plead with him to watch over my children. They are so important to me. Every version of my life that I imagine includes them. I ask God t watch over them and keep them in the palm of His hand throughout the day. 

prayer also helps me realize what is most important to myself. You know how you start talking to a friend and suddenly you are venting about things you didn't even realize were bothering you but suddenly they are the straw that broke the camels back? By praying daily to God, just talking out him about upcoming events or things past, I am able to find out what I consider the most vital. Then, all those extra straws can get taken care of or discarded. Suddenly my back feels much lighter and I'm no longer worried about breaking. 

That is not to say I am unbreakable. I have broken over these past three years. Broken so completely I wonder how I am still standing. It is only through the strength and grace of the atonement of Jesus Christ that I am able to keep moving. There are days when each step is agony, (literally if you have ever heard about my hip disfunction), but I know that through Christ I can and will be strengthened to do what is most needed that day. 

Pray to Him. Pour out your heart to Him. It will feel strange if it's been a while but it is worth it. If you are self-conscious about praying in front of others, find a quiet spot. I have prayed in my bathroom so many times just because it is the only door that locks. I've had the fan on so no one hears me mutter to myself, and even as little fingers find their way under the door I still speak with my Savior. 

That's it. Just talk to the person who gave their life for you. Let Him into your heart and let Him guide you. It won't fix every problem you've ever had right away, but it will give you clarity on many things over time. 

Valentine's Day Rice Crispy Snacks

Looking for the perfect yet easy thing to make for Valentine's Day for your kids? Well look tho farther than your own kitchen. Chocolate Dipped Rice Crispy Snacks are fast, easy, and cheap. You only need a few things that could already be in your cupboards. 

Rice Crispy Cereal, Chocolate Chips, Marshmallows, Butter, and Sprinkles. 

To start, make a batch of Rice Crispy's. I made a double batch to fill a well buttered 18 x 13 pan.  I used the rice crispy recipe on the back of the cereal box. (I used to think that Rice Crispy's were super hard to make and only the most amazing of mothers ever made them ;)

After the Rice Crispy's have had a chance to cool off, and aren't so sticky, you can use any cookie cutter to make your shapes.  I used a medium sized heart cutter. I don't recommend doing any shape that is very elaborate. It can get hard getting the crispy out of the cutter. If the cookie cutter gets too sticky then rub it down with some butter. Remember, when making rice crispy treats butter is your friend! 

You can stop here... Or you can make these simple treats spectacular! 

Put all your rice crispy's on wax paper. 

Place one back of chocolate chips into a microwavable bowl. My husband will only eat milk chocolate so we have no semi-sweet in this house. You can this recipe with either kind of chocolate, just watch it very carefully on the next few steps.

On medium heat, microwave the chocolate chips for 1 to 1 1/2 minutes. The chocolate is melted when it becomes shiny. 

Add 2 Tablespoons of margarine to the Chocolate and stir thoroughly. 

Once the chocolate is smooth dip part of one of the rice crispy hearts into it. I did the top half of the treat. Put it back onto the wax paper.  

Add the sprinkles to the still wet chocolate. I let my kids do this part. 

And Voila! You have some amazing Valentine Day treats that didn't take hours to make!

Chocolate Dipped Rice Crispy Hearts

6 Tbs Butter

2 Packages Marshmallows (10 oz. each) 

12 Cups Rice Crispy's

1 Package Chocolate Chips (about 11 oz.) 

2 Tbs Butter 

Grease 18 x 13 cookie sheet well. 

Put 12 cups (about 1 box) Rice Crispy's into large bowl. 

Melt 6 Tbs butter in large sauce pan over medium heat. Add marshmallows to melted butter and mix until marshmallows are melted. Pour over rice crispy's. Mix until well coated. 

Put marshmallow/ rice crispy mix into greased pat using a buttered spatula. Press down evenly. 

After rice crispy's have cooled cut out with cookie cutters. Place cut crispy's on wax paper. 

Empty bag of chocolate chips into microwave safe bowl. Melt on medium heat for 1 to 1 1/2 minutes in microwave. 

Add remaining 2 Tbs butter to chocolate. Stir until smooth. 

Dip rice crispy's into warm chocolate. Lay flat on wax paper, chocolate side up. 

Decorate with sprinkles. 

Enjoy!

Postpartum Depression

I haven't done this in a long time. It's hard for me to write what I am going to even when it feels like it's over, but I keep thinking someone needs this. So here I go.
I had Postpartum Depression.
Not tiered. Not baby blues. Full on crying all the time, always in my pjs, no desire to do anything, wanting to abandon my family Postpartum Depression. Every day felt like a battle inside my head between light and darkness. And I was ashamed to admit it.
It wasn't until the thought of killing myself came the second time that I realized what was going on.
So what did Postpartum Depression, or PPD, look like? And what did I do?
It looked like me sitting on the couch with no will to get up and do anything. It looked like me crying in the middle of the floor because something had made me so sad I couldn't keep the tears at bay. It looked like me being completely overwhelmed by everything everyday and not knowing what to do to stop the stress. And I wanted to run away. So far away that no one would ever find me.
But Jess, didn't you love your family? Aren't you an active Christian? Didn't you take care of yourself?
The answer to all of these was, and still is, YES!
I love my family. My husband is my best friend and I would do anything for him. I love being a mama bear and all my little crazies! I believe in Christ and his atonement. I go to church every Sunday and take the sacrament to remember my Savior. I read the scriptures every day, I pray all the time. I do yoga, run, eat healthy, try to get plenty of rest, listen to uplifting music, go to the temple, serve others, and generally try to do those things that should make a person happy.
I will tell you that because of all those awesome things I did do I was able to not do something regrettable. Like running away or ending my life.
Even knowing that though, there was a sadness in my head that would not leave. It was an oppressive darkness that blocked out all the light.  I couldn't feel joy no matter how hard I tried to find it. I was scared to admit it to anyone. I thought I was doing something wrong. After all, my baby was nearly 4 months old so I should be feeling fantastic, right?
When baby had her 4 month checkup, I decided to speak up. I went to my doctor all prepared to tell her what was going on. Honestly, it took all the courage I had to say what was happening to me. I was so worried about being judged that I almost kept my mouth shut. But I knew that I couldn't live another day with the dark mist of depression clouding all my thoughts. So I admitted to what was happening inside my head.
I am forever grateful that I did. There was no judgement. A little surprise, yes, but no one said "shame on Jess." I needed immediate help so my doctor prescribed some medicine that worked for a little while. When it stopped working she prescribed me DULoxetine, which has helped a ton.
While the meds made my depression manageable, enough so that I could hide it from almost everyone, I still needed more help. So I started counseling.
A trained therapist talked with me every week for several months. She helped me figure out what was triggering my anxiety and depression. Once we knew that we were able to move on to ways of preventing these things from happening. I'll be honest, I cried a lot my first few visits. And it was ok with her! No judgement, no shaming. Just lots of support.
So why am I sharing this with all of you? I worry that there is such a stigma on depression and anxiety that some people don't get the help they need. If you worry that you or someone you love has Postpartum Depression, anxiety, or any other kind of depression, please speak with a doctor. Get help from a trained medical professional.
You deserve help. The people closest to you deserve for you to get help. God created medicines and doctors so you could get help. There is no shame in going to counseling. I have really enjoyed all my appointments with my therapist and the tools she has helped me develop so I can better care for myself emotionally. I don't know what I would have done without her.
So, now my baby is 2. I am feeling more in control of my emotions every day. I am able to walk away from Postpartum Depression and recover my joy for life.
I could be embarrassed when I admit what was happening to me, but I choose to forgive myself. After all, I am only human. My kids don't even remember that mommy was ever sad. Because of my doctor and therapist I didn't do anything that I regret. Because of my Savior I am again filled with light.
Above all, remember this: you are loved and you are worth it!