Postpartum Depression

I haven't done this in a long time. It's hard for me to write what I am going to even when it feels like it's over, but I keep thinking someone needs this. So here I go.
I had Postpartum Depression.
Not tiered. Not baby blues. Full on crying all the time, always in my pjs, no desire to do anything, wanting to abandon my family Postpartum Depression. Every day felt like a battle inside my head between light and darkness. And I was ashamed to admit it.
It wasn't until the thought of killing myself came the second time that I realized what was going on.
So what did Postpartum Depression, or PPD, look like? And what did I do?
It looked like me sitting on the couch with no will to get up and do anything. It looked like me crying in the middle of the floor because something had made me so sad I couldn't keep the tears at bay. It looked like me being completely overwhelmed by everything everyday and not knowing what to do to stop the stress. And I wanted to run away. So far away that no one would ever find me.
But Jess, didn't you love your family? Aren't you an active Christian? Didn't you take care of yourself?
The answer to all of these was, and still is, YES!
I love my family. My husband is my best friend and I would do anything for him. I love being a mama bear and all my little crazies! I believe in Christ and his atonement. I go to church every Sunday and take the sacrament to remember my Savior. I read the scriptures every day, I pray all the time. I do yoga, run, eat healthy, try to get plenty of rest, listen to uplifting music, go to the temple, serve others, and generally try to do those things that should make a person happy.
I will tell you that because of all those awesome things I did do I was able to not do something regrettable. Like running away or ending my life.
Even knowing that though, there was a sadness in my head that would not leave. It was an oppressive darkness that blocked out all the light.  I couldn't feel joy no matter how hard I tried to find it. I was scared to admit it to anyone. I thought I was doing something wrong. After all, my baby was nearly 4 months old so I should be feeling fantastic, right?
When baby had her 4 month checkup, I decided to speak up. I went to my doctor all prepared to tell her what was going on. Honestly, it took all the courage I had to say what was happening to me. I was so worried about being judged that I almost kept my mouth shut. But I knew that I couldn't live another day with the dark mist of depression clouding all my thoughts. So I admitted to what was happening inside my head.
I am forever grateful that I did. There was no judgement. A little surprise, yes, but no one said "shame on Jess." I needed immediate help so my doctor prescribed some medicine that worked for a little while. When it stopped working she prescribed me DULoxetine, which has helped a ton.
While the meds made my depression manageable, enough so that I could hide it from almost everyone, I still needed more help. So I started counseling.
A trained therapist talked with me every week for several months. She helped me figure out what was triggering my anxiety and depression. Once we knew that we were able to move on to ways of preventing these things from happening. I'll be honest, I cried a lot my first few visits. And it was ok with her! No judgement, no shaming. Just lots of support.
So why am I sharing this with all of you? I worry that there is such a stigma on depression and anxiety that some people don't get the help they need. If you worry that you or someone you love has Postpartum Depression, anxiety, or any other kind of depression, please speak with a doctor. Get help from a trained medical professional.
You deserve help. The people closest to you deserve for you to get help. God created medicines and doctors so you could get help. There is no shame in going to counseling. I have really enjoyed all my appointments with my therapist and the tools she has helped me develop so I can better care for myself emotionally. I don't know what I would have done without her.
So, now my baby is 2. I am feeling more in control of my emotions every day. I am able to walk away from Postpartum Depression and recover my joy for life.
I could be embarrassed when I admit what was happening to me, but I choose to forgive myself. After all, I am only human. My kids don't even remember that mommy was ever sad. Because of my doctor and therapist I didn't do anything that I regret. Because of my Savior I am again filled with light.
Above all, remember this: you are loved and you are worth it!